Talking over the heads of your audience can feel good. Whether it’s bosses, co-workers, customers, partners, or friends, airing out that piece of intellectual superiority gives you a high. Perhaps this what doing drugs feels like?
Though it’s more than that, speaking as an engineer and having been guilty of this behavior long, long ago. It makes people feel good to feel smart. Which isn’t bad so long that you aren’t making other people feel bad in the process.
Addressing this issue does not mean a person is technically “wrong”. Someone speaking in what’s perceived as arrogant, dismissive, and condescending can be factually right. But this communication style can ruin a person’s efforts to achieve that desired outcome. This is what communication is about - achieving your desired outcome.
In general, it’s not a good practice to intellectually pummel another person. Some people may even have this coming for good reason. Thinking about those who ask for a “quick” change on something that takes days or even weeks - not hours.
Collaboration is important when working on desired outcomes. Even when a person is an expert in one area, that is typically not enough achieve a desired outcome (think project, complex task, significant change) at high level in a timely manner.
There is a bigger problem. Much bigger. People may not like you. As right as you might be in your statements, people may feel threatened or imitated by you. This can become an issue when that person is decision-maker over your work and compensation. And they will seek other options for what you provide as a product or service or you as an employee.
What leads people adopt this behavior of speaking to other people? Keep in mind, most people tend to not be aware of this behavior, so this can offer a powerful coaching opportunity. Common reasons include:
They work in fairly insulated environments. Certain language, acronyms, and behaviors are used everyday by people in these industries and organizations - like any culture. Which is fine, until you have to interact with people outside your group.
They are trained to think and behave this way. This tends to apply to people doing difficult and/or dangerous jobs. In my first engineering course we got the whole look to your left and look to your right thing, at least one of those people, maybe both, will not make it to graduation. Our attrition rate was between 50%-60% from start to graduation (big ego bump for those who graduate). Then we were told we shouldn’t be able to talk to business grads because they won’t get it (i.e. they’re not as smart). This can also apply people who are military veterans and other specialized cultures.
Ego runs amok. Some people are just wired this way. This scenario typically requires more coaching attention than other situations.
They cling to past accomplishments without preparing and working towards tomorrow’s desired outcomes. Think of that high school football state champion quarterback that still wears his letter jacket years after graduation.
These factors are problematic and not uncommon. Multiple factors can apply to one person. Often they are rooted in fact, which can make them difficult to overcome. Sometimes they can deeply impact how people get along at work and beyond. Like any other problem, it needs to be recognized to be addressed.
Take a couple of minutes for reflection. As objectively as you can be, do one or more of these reasons apply to you? Try to separate your emotions from this self-analysis. This is an exercise to help you identify if one of these situations apply to you so you can take action or seek coaching as appropriate. This may also be a great exercise for you to do with people you lead.
When you possess something of value, whether it be a physical object or something more abstract like knowledge, think forward to how will it deliver value to other people. How it benefits you is important, but that’s only one piece in your success puzzle.
Before and during your interactions with people, ask yourself these five questions. It’s easy in the heat of discussion or excitement for an opportunity to skip over these considerations.
Will your audience want to do business with you?
Do they have options other than working with you?
How can you build goodwill while protecting your interests?
Will they want to do business with you in the future?
Will working with this audience help me achieve my desired outcome?
How you project confidence can change in different situations. Be excellent at what you do. Composure is a huge part imparting this expertise to other people.
There’s also a question of chemistry. Some people just don’t click. If this cannot be addressed in a professional manner, it’s time to move on. When you talk to bosses, peers, subordinates, and customers - anyone - at minimum keep questions one, four, and five in the back your mind. Those can be good guardrails for being mindful of your tone and disposition while avoiding mistakes and miscommunication.
